


There You Are

by orphan_account



Category: Druck | SKAM (Germany)
Genre: Abandonment Issues, Alternate Universe - College/University, Depression, Falling In Love, Flirting, Gay Male Character, He’s a true piece of work, Jealousy, M/M, Matteo has depression, Matteo is very ~multidimensional~, Pining, Sexual Tension, Trans Male Character, and he WILL get professional help for it, luckily David thinks the entire world of him
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-06-01
Updated: 2019-06-05
Packaged: 2020-04-05 22:15:53
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 7
Words: 14,335
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19049515
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: Matteo meets David in his Art History class and begins to feel things again.***~Update!!~This fic has gotten wayyyy out of hand (how did this even happen) so here’s a new summary-Matteo has depression along with abandonment issues and he’s never properly confronted any of it. But now he has to if he wants to make it work with a mysterious boy in his Art History class who turns his world upside down. Little does he know, the boy is hiding a secret of his own...





	1. Chapter 1

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Matteo and David meet.

**Chapter 1**

When Matteo meets David, he looks like shit.

After a cursory glance at himself in the mirror this morning, this is an objective reality. The bags under his eyes have gotten darker, three days with minimal sleep, and his lips look chapped. He feels like shit too, but he usually does. It's just getting worse.

He moves like a ghost through campus, trying not to see or be seen, blocking out the late summer chatter with headphones on blast. He doesn’t want to talk to anyone.

He struggles to find his class. He didn’t go on the preliminary campus tour, and there are about 6 nearly identical brick buildings with bold white capital letters across the top. Math and Sciences, Business, Social Sciences, Art… By the time he finally finds the Art Building, he’s about 5 minutes late, and it’s 3 minutes more by the time he finds the right classroom.

The professor gives him a quick look as he stumbles in. Matteo mutters an apology under his breath and tries to stop his face from burning. The room is completely silent and they’re all looking at him. He scans the room for an empty chair, only stopping when he catches someone moving their black shoulder bag off the seat next to them. He nods thanks, avoiding eye contact and sinking into the chair like strings had been cut from his shoulders. He’s so tired.

“Thank you for joining us,” the professor says to him, slightly smiling. “I was just introducing myself. I’m Professor Schmidt. I’ve been teaching Art History for ten years now, and before that I was a curator at a museum. And _you_ need a syllabus.”

Professor Schmidt’s desk is neatly organized as he grabs one from the top of the remaining pile, walking over to Matteo in his freshly ironed blazer, shoes looking brand new and expensive.

Matteo thinks he shouldn’t really be here. Up until a year ago, he never thought he would attend college. He was terrible in high school, barely finding the motivation to scrape by with passing grades, but when he got back in contact with his Mom she forced him to study, churning out the work he’d missed until he had good enough grades to apply to local schools. His Mom had cried when she’d seen how far he’d slipped, and he cried too, because he’d been a smart kid, everyone said so. Full of promise. Now he had trouble making coherent conversation with his best friends, let alone people he didn’t know at all. It was hard to form full thoughts some days, the fog taking over his brain until he felt like nothing more than a bug under a tire, three legs missing.

The syllabus is lengthly, and Matteo scans the first page carefully, unzipping his backpack and taking out a highlighter. He highlights a few things as Professor Schmidt talks about the lesson plan, briefly going into detail about the various eras they would be covering.

Matteo has always liked art, though he’s never told anyone. Sometimes he looked at art on his computer, studying the curves of the lines, the colors, the way it all made him feel. In some ways it made him feel smaller, like even though he knew there was something wrong with him, it didn’t really matter. Life went on. There were things bigger than him, beautiful things, things that would travel through history unchanged and unfazed.

They’re told to take out their notebooks, but it’s only when Matteo rummages through his bag that he realizes he forgot to bring one. How appropriate. He managed to remember to bring a highlighter to his first day of college but not a notebook. After ruffling around for a few more seconds and coming up with only a black pen, he looks up to see a single piece of lined paper being placed in front of him. He turns to thank the person who gave it to him, the same one who moved their bag earlier, then freezes.

His world stops.

There, next to him in this classroom, on this day that he looks like absolute garbage, is the most beautiful boy he has ever seen.

Eyelashes. Thick, wavy dark hair. Eyes that made him feel like he could drown and he’d enjoy it. They’re brown and woven with warmth, smiling even though this boy is not actually smiling. How is he doing that? Oh and his lips, holy shit. Matteo feels like he might pass out.

He can feel himself staring, but the boy is staring too, finally blinking twice and looking away quickly after what could have been 3 seconds or 10. The air around Matteo has changed, simultaneously feeling too thick and too light at the same time, like floating in outer space without a helmet.

Matteo stares at the blank sheet of paper in front of him, provided by this god of a boy, and tries to focus. They’re supposed to take notes. Because the professor is still talking, about cave drawings and the early art tools used to create them. He looks up at the screen, the whirr of the projector matching the rhythm of heart pattering against his chest, takes the pen to the page, and tries to write what he hears.

When class ends, Matteo’s right arm feels warm, like it picked up on the energy of this person next to him, the static electricity. Does the boy feel it too? How could he not? Matteo has never had this happen before. He’s thought guys were attractive since he turned eleven, the first indication he wasn’t straight, but this is something else. Love at first sight? No way. Matteo is too cynical for that. But it’s definitely something else, something new. Something he can't pinpoint. He feels adrift and unprepared.

As he folds his notes into his syllabus and reaches down for his bag, the boy speaks. His voice sends a jolt through Matteo. It sounds like music.

“I’m David.”

When Matteo turns to shake David’s offered hand, David’s smiling for real now, face so welcoming that Matteo briefly wonders what he’s done to deserve this.

“Matteo,” he says, trying to sound cooler than he is.

Somehow, their hands don’t feel like strangers. It feels comfortable, like the home Matteo never allowed himself to have.

He bolts.

He yanks his hand from David, slings his bag over his shoulder, and leaves. He feels like an idiot.

It’s all too much. Just 3 hours ago he was waking up from a fitful night of sleep, putting on clothes that hadn’t been washed in weeks, not bothering to comb his hair. Not caring.

But suddenly he cares a lot. He cares about what David thinks about him, the way he must look, like a lazy teenager with bad skin and nothing else. David, who came prepared with a notebook. David, who carries a black shoulder bag and wears a black hoodie and looks cooler than anyone he’s ever met. David, who probably goes to concerts on the weekends and listens to the kind of music Matteo likes but never tells anyone because he doesn’t want to sound pretentious.

_David. David. David. David._

Each footstep to the bus station is accompanied by that name and the person behind it. For the first time in months, Matteo feels something a little closer to alive.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Matteo is fascinated by David. David flirts with him. He likes it.

**Chapter 2**

“How was your first day my little scholar?” Hans greets him when he walks in the door. He’s bustling around in the kitchen, preparing some dish.

“Good,” Matteo tells him, shrugging his backpack off his shoulder. He collapses onto the couch next to Linn.

“What are you taking again?” she asks, taking a long drag of the joint between her fingers before passing it to Matteo.

He takes a long pull, waiting for the familiar wave of calm. This was one of the only things that made him feel okay anymore.

“Art History 1,” he tells her on an exhale, looking up at the ceiling as the smoke curls.

“That’s all you’re taking?” she prods.

“Yeah, just starting off slow, seeing if I even like college,” he takes another drag and then passes the joint back to her, sinking further into the cushions. “I might not,” he adds.

She’s watching some show like Planet Earth. It looks gruesome, a lion catching their prey.

“Brutal,” Linn says under her breath. “Anyways, I’m happy for you Matteo.”

“Thanks,” he replies, glancing over at her.

He’s often related to Linn more than anyone else in the flat. She’s subdued like him, and maybe a little sad, though they’ve never discussed it. Hans is all over the place, a fireball of energy, always cooking and laughing and dancing. Mia is strong and collected, giving off the impression that nothing at all can’t be handled. Matteo has never felt like that. Matteo feels like he can’t handle anything at all. 

_Especially not beautiful boys with dark brown eyes and smiles equivalent to sunflowers. Especially not that. That’s Something Else entirely._

He keeps smoking with Linn until the light fades from the sky and dark takes over, then he goes to bed.

***

He has class again the following day. He thinks about skipping.

He doesn’t want to see David, but he also does. He wants that feeling again. That feeling like some things are still working right, like he can still feel anything at all. Despite the fact that he also feels like an idiot.

So he goes.

He’s nervous, but he takes extra care to pack a notebook today. He even finds a clean shirt in the back of his closet, and jeans that fit. He has to save face.

Should he apologize for bolting? No, that would be weird. They don’t even know each other. For all David knows, Matteo had an emergency. He had somewhere to be, maybe another class. He’ll just pretend like nothing happened.

He makes his way through campus slowly, timing his jolted breathing with each footstep towards the looming Art Building.

 _This is ridiculous,_ he thinks, _he’s just a boy_.

By the time he gets to the classroom, there’s still 5 minutes left before the lecture begins. When he enters, David is looking at the door. His eyes catch Matteo’s and something flickers over his face.

Almost like he was waiting for him.

 _No, no he wasn’t,_ Matteo tells himself, _you’re just seeing things. Why would he be waiting for you?_

David is smiling at him again, that smile, and Matteo lets himself smile back just slightly. Like yesterday, David moves his bag off the chair next to him, holding eye contact. Matteo takes what is obviously now his unofficial seat.

“Hi again,” David greets, eyes glinting. _Ugh._

“Hey,” Matteo tries to keep looking at David’s stupidly gorgeous face, tries not to look at his own hands or the wall next to David’s head instead.

 _Be cool,_ he reminds himself. _Don’t mention yesterday._

“How are you liking the class so far?” David looks away first, glancing towards the screen at the front of the room then back at Matteo.

“It’s interesting. What about you?”

David laughs slightly, an easy laugh that makes Matteo feel like he said something funny even though he didn’t. He feels warm all over. It probably shows on his face.

“I’ve been looking forward to this class for ages now,” David tells him, leaning forward slightly like it’s a secret. “I love art more than anything in the world.”

“Anything?” Matteo asks without thinking.

“Yeah, these artists we’re studying… Well, they all feel like my friends.”

Matteo thinks he’s never heard anything so profound. He takes a moment to reflect on what David said, the way he’d put words to the way Matteo secretly felt about art. The way he’d done it so easily.

“Why’s that?” He asks, scrambling for something to say, anything to keep David talking.

“I don’t really know,” David answers, looking away then back at Matteo. “I guess it just feels like I understand them, and somehow they understand me too.”

Matteo’s about to prod David more, because this conversation has his brain whirling, when Professor Schmidt dims the lights.

Somehow, in a moment Matteo can’t fully grasp before it happens, he hears the words leave his mouth before the classroom goes silent.

“I get that.”

 

***

An hour later, Matteo has learned more about ancient art in between his near constant thoughts of David, and they’re packing up their bags.

“Do you have another class now?” David asks him.

_Lie and say yes. That’s why you had to leave so suddenly yesterday, remember?_

“No,” Matteo tells him, standing up just as David does, bag on his shoulder.

“I thought you did because of…” David trails off. “Anyways, I don’t either…”

“Cool.” Matteo wants to disappear into the ground.

“Ummm…” David draws out the m slowly, as though he’s taking time to think of what to say. “So you don’t have a class, and neither do I. How about that.” He’s smiling.

Matteo’s whole body feels warm. He feels like David’s teasing him. Flirting with him even.

“Yeah,” Matteo tries to smile and scrambles to meet David at his level. He probably looks like such an inexperienced teenager right now.

They’re staring at each other but somehow it doesn’t feel awkward. I mean, Matteo feels awkward, but only within himself.

Staring at David now feels like the easiest thing in the world.

“Fancy a joint?” Matteo blurts out, immediately wishing he hadn’t.

He had no idea how to ask boys he’s interested in to hang out. He only knows how to do the bro thing, like when he’s with Carlos, Abdi and Jonas. And bros smoke together. This is what he knows.

David looks taken aback briefly, but then smiles again.

“Sure.”

 

***

Matteo always carries a joint with him, everywhere he goes. It’s like a safety net.

When the world feels like too much, he smokes. When his chest feels too tight, he smokes. When he feels numb, he smokes. Then he feels even more numb, but without all the other bad stuff.

David takes him to a spot on the other side of campus with grass covered steps by the river, and they sit together in silence while Matteo lights the joint.

“I’ve never been here before,” Matteo tells him, taking the first drag and looking out at the water.

“I come here to study sometimes,” David offers, stretching out his legs. Matteo watches and tries not to be obvious. David’s pants look carefully selected and then tailored to fit.

Matteo passes the joint to David, then leans back on his hands. “How many classes are you taking this semester?”

David’s exhale looks slightly awkward after he takes his first drag. _Maybe he hasn’t smoked in a while_ , Matteo ponders briefly.

“Three. Art History, Film Studies and Linguistics. What about you?”

“Just the one.” Matteo suddenly feels slightly sheepish saying that, as though he’s some kind of slacker or something.

“How far along are you?” David asks, then takes another puff, looking slightly more comfortable with it now. “In college, I mean,” he clarifies.

“This is actually my first semester. I just graduated high school last year.”

“Aww, you’re a baby,” David teases, reaching over to poke Matteo’s knee with his pinkie. Matteo tenses up then relaxes into the touch. He knows he’s blushing. “I’m in my second year.”

“Do you know what you’re majoring in yet?” Matteo looks over at him. What could this beautiful brown eyed boy, who likes art and wears nice clothes, possibly want to do with his life? What could be worthy enough to have him?

“I haven’t really decided yet. I think I want to study film though. I think I want to make movies.”

Matteo contemplates that briefly. He likes movies. He could talk to David about movies.

“What kind of movies do you want to make?”

David is quiet for a moment. “I want to make movies that really get to the important things, the things that really matter to people.”

He gives the joint back and Matteo uses it as an excuse to think of the right question to ask… a question that’ll get more coveted information out of David. It’s quickly becoming addictive, learning as much as he can about him. He’s trying to remember everything, storing it for later when he’s alone and needs to remind himself that someone like David exists.

“What really matters?” is what he finally lands on, holding the joint between his fingers and flicking it with his thumb.

“Let me tell you something,” David says in a low voice, and Matteo is reminded of earlier, when David told him about his love for art and it felt like a secret. He leans towards David involuntarily. “My parents divorced when I was 13 and…” He pauses.

Matteo’s riveted, like he’s reading one of those mystery books he used to love as a kid, rushing to turn the page.

David continues, “and it was around that time that I started watching a lot of movies. I guess it was sort of like an escape, but I realized that when you turn pain into a movie, it doesn’t feel as heavy.”

Matteo’s watching David now, each word entrancing him further. “Yeah, I know what you mean,” he encourages, waiting for more.

"So I had saved up enough money from my summer job,” David glances over at him, “and I went to the thrift shop and bought a cheap used video camera. It was just something fun at first, but then I really started noticing things. And I’d film the things I noticed. Suddenly I wasn’t just appreciating movies, I was making my own.” He laughs. “Shitty ones, of course, but still…”

“That’s awesome,” Matteo tells him.

“Thanks,” David almost looks like he could be blushing. “So I guess I just want to make movies that give other people the same feeling I had when I would watch them back then.”

Matteo feels light headed now, like maybe this could all be a dream. He lets himself lay back completely and David does the same, their shoulders touching. Matteo feels every nerve ending where he meets David, electric yet somehow calming at the same time, keeping him tethered to the earth.

And then, in a hazy moment thickened by the weed and because he’s right next to David, Matteo starts to talk.

He talks more than he has in years. He tells David about his own parents’ divorce, how he didn’t really care at the time but actually did. He tells him about his Mom and the silence between them during years 16 and 17. He tells him about his friends and how they’re idiots but he actually loves them, even though he never says it. He tells him that he doesn’t know what he wants to do with his life because how is he supposed to know? He’s just shy of 19.

David listens carefully, humming occasionally in acknowledgment or nudging Matteo’s shoulder. He laughs when Matteo tries to be funny, and it doesn’t feel like a courtesy. It feels like David not only wants to get to know him, but genuinely likes what he’s getting to know. 

Matteo’s never let himself believe that someone would actually find him interesting, but with David it feels so easy. He falls into it.

When they finally leave, David insists on walking Matteo to his bus. They leave indents in the grass from where they’d been laying.Matteo tries (and fails) to hold back a smile when David takes a picture “to remember it all.”

Matteo ends up taking a picture too. 


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Matteo questions whether David was actually flirting with him because that's how Matteo is. They attend a play together and feelings are revealed...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much for reading! You're giving me the motivation to continue and I appreciate it so much. :)

**Chapter 3**

Matteo doesn’t have class again until Thursday. 

Wednesday feels like torture, like suddenly his life revolves around seeing a person he didn’t even know existed last week.

He feels frustrated, like he’s completely lost control. A _s if you ever really had it in the first place,_ he tells himself self deprecatingly.

So he tries not to think about David, he really does. Not about the way his hair somehow curls into perfect smooth waves. Not about how his eyes look when he’s listening to Matteo, how he makes Matteo feel seen in a way that doesn’t also make him want to run and hide.

He especially doesn’t think about how he’s not sure if David is even single.

Despite all that talking yesterday, he was still too afraid to ask.

And why _would_ David be single? He looks like _that._ He wants to make movies and talk about art and he wasn’t like other guys their age. He was different. Special. Surely Matteo wasn’t the only one who saw that. David probably had dozens of girls and boys just like Matteo, hanging on his every word and then obsessing over them like they were slivers of gold.

But he’d definitely been flirting with him right? The teasing, the way he stared into his eyes… even the fact that they were hanging out at all.

Or was this just college? Randomly striking up conversation with someone in class then spending hours talking by the river?

Matteo almost laughs at it all.

Everything was so unexpected and warm yet confusing too. He feels younger than his age, like he’s 14 again and navigating the first time he’d really felt something for another boy, piecing together what it all meant. Interpreting each moment, every look exchanged, letting it all wash over him and anticipating the next time he would be given more.

 

***

Jonas, Carlos and Abdi come over on Wednesday afternoon to play video games and drink beer. Carlos and Abdi keep hitting each other with a ping pong ball and Jonas plays guitar for them, some new song he’s working on but doesn’t know if he likes yet.

Matteo considers telling them about David and he almost does, but he knows they’d make fun of him. They wouldn’t understand. He barely understands himself.

Boys their ages don’t get attached like this and if they do, they don’t discuss it. It was all about sex and the pursuit of sex. Maybe they’d end up really liking someone, maybe they’d even fall in love. But they didn’t _tell_ each other about it. It was something they kept to themselves, tucked away for private moments alone. Even when Jonas started dating Hanna (a moment Matteo doesn’t like to spend too long thinking about), he simply told them they were dating now and that was it, as though he’d picked up a sandwich at the grocery store on the way home from school.

And Matteo has only recently come out to them. It’s been about 6 months since he’d worked up the courage, first telling Jonas then the rest. Jonas hugged him, said he’d love him no matter what. Matteo didn’t say it back, but he squeezed his shoulders a little tighter before letting go. Carlos and Abdi listened intently then shrugged, agreeing that it was actually a good thing. There’d be more girls left for them after all. Matteo wondered why he’d waited so long to tell them.

Matteo had good friends. Better friends than he deserved. This was something he frequently reminded himself of when he wanted to cancel plans and be alone.

Jonas has now abandoned his guitar and moved back to video games again, Abdi aggressively trying to knock the controller out of his hand before he scores. Matteo watches fondly for a minute before taking a swig of his beer then pulling out his phone.

And that was another thing. He hadn’t even gotten David’s number.

I mean sure, they’d see each other in class tomorrow. They’d see each other in class 3 times a week for the next 4 months. He almost feels the wind knocked out of him at the thought. 4 months of David. 3 times a week. How was he going to handle this? How could he keep his composure, still appearing even remotely cool? Surely David would see the different sides to him in those 4 months, the sides he could barely stand about himself.

And Matteo had a lapse of judgement at the river, opening up too much and letting the cracks show.

Then again, David opened up to him too. David opened up first.

Matteo sets down his phone, realizing he’s checking for texts from someone who can’t even text him in the first place.

Leaning back into the couch cushions, he closes his eyes, listening to the sound of his friends laughing. He lets himself drift off, counting down the hours until tomorrow would begin.

 

***

It’s easier when Matteo enters class this time.

He knows he’ll be sitting next to David, so he doesn’t even bother pretending to be surprised when David moves his bag like the two times before. And David doesn’t bother hiding the fact that he’d been waiting for him, excitedly waving him over when he sees Matteo then grinning freely as he sits down. Matteo thinks maybe things could feel weird after Tuesday but they don’t. They feel simple somehow, like this was just the way it should be.

“Hi Matteo,” David greets him, still smiling The Smile that Matteo can’t stop thinking about. His name sounds like poetry on David’s tongue and he mentally thanks his Mom for giving it to him, like everything had been leading up to this moment right here, when David would say his name and make it sound like art. 

“Hey,” Matteo says, smiling back and taking out his notebook. “How are you?”

“Oh you know,” David says slowly, “just living life.” He laughs. Matteo laughs too.

“No, really?” Matteo teases, pretending to be shocked. He smirks over at David who looks overjoyed.

“Very funny. How are you?”

That’s a loaded question for Matteo and one he doesn’t usually like answering. It’s complicated for him. He doesn’t always know how he is, can’t always put a name to it. Sometimes he’s nothing at all. And sometimes he’s too much.

“Alright,” he settles on, shrugging.

David looks at him thoughtfully. “How was your Wednesday?”

Matteo reflects on the past day, how he’d spent most of it just thinking about David. But he can’t tell him that. That would be weird.

“Good, just hung out with the boys.”

“The ones you told me about? The ones who are kind of dumb but also sweet?”

Matteo somehow feels taken aback that David actually remembered what Matteo said as he rambled in the grass, the way he’d talked about his friends so fondly.

“Yeah those are the ones,” he says, smiling.

“I like them,” David tells him. “I don’t know them, but I like them.”

Matteo feels that warm feeling, the one he hasn’t really felt until he met David.

Class begins and he has trouble concentrating, but David doesn’t seem to be having the same issue, diligently taking notes and circling things as he does.

 

***

When class ends, Matteo doesn’t know what to do.

Should he ask David to hang out again? Would David ask him? What if David had plans? What if he had someone else from another class to hang out with today? What if this was just a thing for him? Picking up friends in college, collecting them with ease.

David seems to be hesitating too, fumbling with his bag and pretending like the zipper is stuck. Matteo knows he’s pretending because the zipper actually seems to slide easily, and it’s clearly David who’s creating the stilted movements as he slides it back and forth.

For the first time, he thinks maybe David is just as bewildered as he is.

“Hey,” Matteo starts, because he likes David enough to take a slight risk. David looks up quickly. “What are you doing now?”

It’s The Smile again. “Actually, I’m glad you asked. I’m going to a play in an hour. Do you want to come?”

Matteo considers. “Won’t I need a ticket?”

“No, it’s actually free. It’s on campus in the Performing Arts Center. I know a few of the people in it.”

Of course Matteo says yes, because how could he say no?

 

***

They eat in the cafeteria before the play starts. The food is actually not bad, some type of pasta with sauce, and Matteo tells David that he’s half Italian.

“I actually wondered about that,” David replies, and Matteo tries not to blush. David wondered about that, about him. “Matteo is an Italian name, no?”

“Yeah, and my last name is Florenzi,” Matteo leans forward slightly. “From my Dad’s side.”

“Do you go to Italy much then?” David asks, studying Matteo intently.

Matteo looks down at his food, sifting through the pasta with his fork.

“I used to. But not anymore.” He doesn’t say anything else. He can still feel David staring at him. They fall into a comfortable silence for a few seconds.

“Can you speak Italian?” David finally asks, taking a bite of his food.

“Yeah, it was the only way I could talk to my cousins when I was younger. And my Dad insisted I learn, so now I’m fluent in it.”

“You know, that’s something to be proud of,” David tells him encouragingly, and Matteo keens slightly at the compliment. “Most people can only speak one language.”

“Thank you,” he looks at David. “Do you travel much?”

“Not nearly enough as I’d like. I’d love to see the world, every corner of it if I can,” David looks wistfully at him, as though he’s entered a dream and Matteo is invited. “But I don’t have enough money right now.”

He comes out of the dream again, face settling back into reality.

Matteo rushes to say something. “We’re still young,” he blurts out, and it sounds like a cliche. David chuckles though, and Matteo relaxes into it.

“Yes, Mr. Florenzi. Yes we are.”

Matteo’s face turns bright red and he can’t hold back the smile, looking down at his food again and trying to breath.

 

***

The play is better than Matteo thought it would be. He’s never been to a college play before and didn't know what to expect, but everything is put together nicely. The set is designed with care, each piece thoughtfully placed. The actors are actually quite talented, and he wonders which of them are lucky enough to know David. 

David laughs here and there throughout the entire thing, cheering at the right moments. Matteo thinks how blessed they all are to have someone like David watching them and enjoying it, the stamp of approval Matteo wants so badly. Matteo even allows himself to cheer with David sometimes, and David keeps nudging him with his elbow gently when he does. He feels warmth.

It occurs to him that this is the first time he hasn’t smoked all day in months. He’s surprised when he realizes he doesn’t really care.

Afterwards, David tells him he wants to introduce him to a few people, and they go backstage. The actors are rubbing off their makeup and chatting, camaraderie from a successful performance hanging in the air. Matteo’s nervous.

The lead, Leonie, is the first one he meets. She’s beautiful and Matteo feels jealous when her eyes linger a little too long on David, sweeping them over David’s hoodie dreamily. If he were dating David, he’d almost dislike her. But he’s not so he doesn’t. Not really.

Then he meets Sara. Sara is a bubbly thing, bouncy and friendly. She laughs at everything everyone says and giggles when she shakes Matteo’s hand. David had suddenly disappeared somewhere, probably off to greet someone else he knows.

He’s had girls flirt with him before, a lot actually. Especially in high school before he could accept that he was gay. For some reason, girls love him. They can’t get enough of his disinterest, as though if they said the right things or acted the right way, they could somehow get him to like them. Fat chance.

But he can tell Sara is flirting with him. She’s swirling her hair around her index finger slowly, and he doesn’t want to be rude. This is David’s friend after all. So he smiles back, engaging in idle conversation until David appears by his side again. Matteo feels him before he sees him. He places his hand on Matteo’s elbow.

“Anyways, we should go,” David tells Sara, looking a little less friendly than before. A look crosses her face before recognition settles. She gives him an apologetic look that Matteo doesn’t quite understand and then David’s back to his normal self.

“Okay, nice to meet you,” she tells Matteo, turning around without another word.

 

***

When they exit the Performing Arts Center, it’s starting to get dark outside. Their feet are crunching noticeably on the ground as they walk through the abandoned campus.

“Sara was flirting with you,” David says suddenly, as though the words had been rolling around in his head and he couldn’t bear to keep them inside anymore.

“Yeah,” Matteo agrees, not even bothering to hide the fact that he knew.

“Did you like her?” David pushes, teasing yet it somehow doesn’t feel light like it usually does. It feels darker, tension laced behind what would otherwise be a normal question between friends.

Matteo almost laughs. “No.”

“Why not?” David keeps pushing.

“Not my type,” Matteo doesn’t elaborate further.

David is quiet for several moments as they get closer to Matteo’s bus.

“What is your type?”

_Boys._

_Boys like you._

He wants to say it, but he can’t. He can’t because this is Matteo after all, and Matteo doesn’t say things like that.

“I don’t know,” he settles, kicking himself mentally.

“Hmm,” David hums thoughtfully.

Matteo hates this. He hates how he can’t take this opportunity.

“Leonie was flirting with _you,”_ he fires back, and realizes how childish he sounds.

David laughs. “Yeah, she does that. It’s harmless.”

“Was it?” Matteo asks without thinking. “She seems to really like you.”

“Yeah but it doesn’t matter,” David says quietly, in the secret voice that makes Matteo listen closer. “I like someone else anyway.”

Matteo feels like he might be sick.

Had he misread things? He thought maybe David liked _him,_ but why would he. Of course it was in Matteo’s head. He’s ridiculous. This is what people did in college, he’s seen it in movies. They make friends in their classes. I mean, look at David. He has tons of friends. Cool friends in plays.

“Oh,” he says, scrambling for something else to say that doesn’t sound insanely jealous. “Girlfriend?”

David laughs again, like it’s the funniest thing in the world.

“No Matteo,” he says gently, in a way that somehow doesn’t make Matteo feel stupid even though he thinks maybe he should.

Matteo waits for more elaboration and David doesn’t give it to him.

“So who is this mystery person then?” he asks, trying to sound casual and failing. He sounds way too interested, like everything is hinging on whatever comes out of David’s mouth next.

David stops walking.

Matteo has to backtrack slightly, turning around when he realizes David is no longer by his side.

“Come on Matteo.” David is giving him a look like it’s so obvious, the darkness making his eyes look a little more intense, imploring Matteo to understand.

And then Matteo gets it.

His head feels light, like he might pass out. David keeps looking at him softly, like Matteo is oblivious but it’s okay.

It’s okay because the person he likes is him.

It’s Matteo.

It’s so obvious now. There’s no room for misinterpretation.

“Holy shit,” Matteo says because he can barely think, and David laughs.

“Eloquent.” He keeps laughing. Matteo can’t say anything else right now. “So… what do you think?” David asks after they’ve just been staring at each other for several seconds.

Insecurity is suddenly shadowing his beautiful features, and Matteo hasn’t seen that look on him yet. He doesn’t like it. David is normally so confident and Matteo can’t bear to be the one who takes that away from him, not even for a moment.

So he takes a deep breath, and then, “I think…” his voice is shaky and he clears his throat. “I think this person feels the same way.”

David looks like the lightheaded one now, shyly looking down at the ground as though he can barely stand to look at Matteo. Like it’s almost too much for him. But he’s smiling, a small wistful smile that makes Matteo feel like he’s on fire.

“Well that settles it then,” David says quietly, looking back up at Matteo through his eyelashes.

Then their eye contact suddenly feels charged and Matteo has never felt like this before, like there’s a wire connecting him and another person, keeping them tethered with electricity.

David looks confident again. He looks like he’s got Matteo and he knows it. He’s not wrong.

David is taking Matteo in slowly, eyes roaming his face carefully. Matteo almost feels like David is memorizing his features, taking mental snapshots of each place he lands. His eyes. Then down to his nose. Back to his eyes.

Down to his lips.

Matteo shivers as David settles there, not moving an inch.

Then, after Matteo starts to feel antsy with anticipation, David steps forward. Each step feels like a question. He takes one more look in Matteo’s eyes, just to make sure.

Then he kisses him.


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> They kiss. A lot. David shows Matteo his sketchbook.

**Chapter 4**

At first kissing David feels the way Matteo imagines being a wildflower would feel.

Then it becomes something much heavier.

David is kissing him with intent, hotter than anything he’s ever felt. Matteo almost can’t breathe and doesn’t really want to, not if it means they’d have to stop. He’s never kissed anyone like this before and he didn’t even know a kiss like this was possible. He’d always rolled his eyes when people said it could feel like fireworks, yet somehow that’s exactly what this feels like. This kiss feels like big, burning fireworks on New Years Eve, the kind that leave smoke in the air long after they’ve finished.

David pulls away first, pressing his forehead against Matteo’s. They’re still in the same spot as before, shoes sinking into gravel now. Matteo doesn’t know how long they’ve been kissing for but it doesn’t matter because it wouldn’t be long enough.

He grabs David by the neck and pulls him back in and David goes easily, smirking into the kiss.

Yeah, he’s got Matteo and he knows it. He’s had him from the moment they met.

This time it feels gentler, like David’s trying to soften it into something more manageable. He’s no longer licking into Matteo’s mouth. Instead he’s kissing Matteo like they’ve done this more than once. _Like it’s home_ , Matteo thinks. 

3 more minutes pass, then 5, before David moves away again, hooking their fingers and pulling Matteo towards the bus stop. He goes without a fight, letting David take him wherever he wants.

***

Matteo’s room is messy.

He normally doesn’t notice or care, but now David is here.

Suddenly every empty bottle, the clothes falling out of his closet, the empty Tupperware container on his nightstand… it all hurts to look at, evidence of how low his life can get and how little he cares until he has this boy around to make it matter.

But David doesn’t seem to see any mess at all. Instead he keeps staring at Matteo like he can’t quite believe any of this is real, like he’s some kind of magic, and Matteo can’t believe it either. David’s eyes look softer than Matteo has ever seen.

They end up on Matteo’s bed, fingers entwined.

“Just so we’re clear,” David starts, then pauses to steal another kiss, “I was jealous of Sara.”

“Just so we’re clear,” Matteo imitates, and David rolls his eyes, “I was jealous of Leonie.”

Why does saying that, and hearing it be said, sound so hot? Matteo burns everywhere, and he doesn’t know what to do about it.

David looks just as affected, eyes shifting from soft to dark. His cheeks are tinged with pink and Matteo loves it. He loves that he can see David’s attraction to him, that he doesn’t have to guess anymore.

David bites his lip then abruptly seems to snap himself out of it, sitting up, shoulders slightly slumped. Matteo sits up too. Their fingers are still entwined and Matteo squeezes. David pulls his hand away.

“Do you want to see my sketchbook?” David asks suddenly, and Matteo has to scramble to catch up. He didn’t even know David could draw.

But of course he wants to see it. He wants to see everything. He nods a bit too eagerly.

David goes over to his bag, sorting through his books until he locates a small black one with stickers all over the cover. When David hands it to him, Matteo handles it so carefully that David notices and laughs at him. But this sketchbook is precious. This sketchbook is part of David’s inner world. It contains more things Matteo doesn’t know yet. More layers of David for him to wonder about.

All the pages are each like their own universe, photographs David took with sketches pasted on top (“it’s called a collage,” David reminds him). And David really _can_ draw too, sketches of birds and people, and streets in cities Matteo doesn’t think actually exist outside of David’s mind. Matteo can feel himself becoming even more enchanted by this boy and all the world inside him.

David watches him look, smiling shyly when Matteo tells him how much he likes something. And Matteo tells him a lot, because he likes it all.

Then Matteo sees it. The pages had been paper clipped shut but the paper clip slides up and off as Matteo pulls them apart. David reaches to snap the book shut before Matteo can get a closer look, but it’s too late. He shoves David’s hand away gently and keeps looking. David gives up.

It’s dated only a few days ago. And it’s a drawing of Matteo.

In the drawing he looks tired, dark bags under his eyes as he stands in front of a room. He realizes he’s wearing the same dirty clothes he wore on the first day of school, the same unkempt hair, the same headphones resting on his shoulders. He realizes this was right before he first saw David, when he was trying to be invisible. At the bottom, David had written a question.

_why are you so sad?_

“I’m sorry-" David starts to say, but before he can finish, Matteo kisses him. He doesn’t know why, just knows he needs to. And David lets him, choking back a surprised sound at first then sinking into it. They break apart.

“It’s okay,” Matteo tells him before kissing him again. “It’s fine." He kisses him again. "I'm not ready to talk about it, but it's fine.”

David puts his sketchbook on the floor and they keep kissing until Matteo eventually falls asleep, wondering how he’d ended up with something like this, whatever it was. Wondering why he deserved it at all.

***

Matteo wakes up alone but David left him a drawing on a blank piece of paper he ripped out of his sketchbook. David must have drawn it this morning while Matteo slept beside him.

It’s a drawing of their first kiss. Matteo stares at it then stares some more, unable to keep himself from smiling.

***

Hans is in the kitchen when Matteo leaves his room 2 hours later.

He’d spent at least half of that time staring at the drawing, and the other half wondering if he should text David to say thank you. He didn't want to be too clingy. They’d finally exchanged numbers last night, somewhere between their 20th and 30th kiss. Everything still feels like a dream, but it wasn’t. He knows it wasn’t because he has the drawing to remind him it was real.

When Hans sees him, he smiles knowingly and Matteo blushes.

“I heard someone new in your room last night,” Hans sing songs teasingly, winking as he twirls a spatula.

Matteo tries to act nonchalant about it and shrugs.

“Matteo,” Hans chides, “don’t lie to me. I know everything, remember?”

Matteo relents. He’s right. Keeping anything from Hans is useless.

“Fine. It was guy in my Art History class,” he pauses, “a guy I like.”

“Name?” Hans pushes.

“David,” and Matteo can’t help the way his voice sounds softer when he says it.

“Do you have a picture of him?”

Matteo considers showing him the drawing because at least you can see David's gorgeous hair and eyelashes in it, even though the rest of his face is covered by Matteo's. But no. It’s _his_ drawing, not to be shared with anyone else.

“No,” Matteo tells him, suddenly wishing he’d taken a selfie of them to set as the wallpaper on his phone.

Look at what he’s becoming. A teenage girl.

After 15 more minutes of interrogation, Hans eventually leaves him alone, and Matteo goes back to his room to think about David some more. 


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> David and Matteo spend more time together. Matteo battles his depression and sees something that makes him question everything (I'm sorry. I promise it will be okay and I will fix this).

**Chapter 5**

Matteo sleeps with the drawing that night, cradling it so close to his chest that it rises and falls as he breathes.

He’d finally texted David thank you sometime before then, when he was high and feeling a bit fogged over, and David simply texted a flower bouquet emoji in response. Matteo had set his phone beside the drawing, looking at them side by side until his vision started to blur.

***

The rest of the weekend is spent in anticipation of Monday when he’d see David in class. He even studies a bit because he knows it will impress him. He does laundry and cleans his room, just in case he drops by unexpectedly. And he imagines just that, David showing up at the door without a warning. The doorbell rings once on Saturday, but it’s just Alex looking for Mia and Matteo almost hates him.

***

On Monday, Matteo wakes up 5 hours before class. He wonders what David will do when he sees him now that everything is different.

They’d texted a bit more on Sunday. David initiated it, telling Matteo he was watching a movie he thinks Matteo would enjoy. Matteo thinks to himself that, since David likes it, he probably would too. He’d texted back that maybe they could watch it together, if David doesn’t mind seeing it twice. Then David had replied a simple thumbs up emoji and that was it.

But today he’s seeing David face to face. He’ll be able to look into his eyes again, stare at his lips, and remember how they’d kissed.

He shows up to class early. For the first time, he’s there before David. He takes his seat, and he waits. He feels a new kind of nervousness unlike before with David, the kind that reminds him of when he and Jonas chugged energy drinks on a dare.

When he walks in the door, Matteo almost forgets how to breathe all over again. He’s wearing a shirt Matteo hasn’t seen yet, a floral pattern that somehow makes his eyes look even dreamier. And he’s looking at Matteo. Everything feels intense. David looks at him differently than he’d expected. He looks unsure, maybe even uneasy, but he still burns when he looks at him. That’s for sure. Matteo can feel it all the way across the room.

As David walks towards him, he starts to smile. First it’s just a ghost of a smile, then it grows bigger until David is right there.

“Hi,” he says, and Matteo tries not to kiss him in front of everyone.

“Hi,” he says back, knowing that he’s grinning like an idiot. He can barely find it in himself to care.

David takes his seat and they keep smiling at each other, smiles containing secrets only they know. 

“How was the rest of your weekend?” Matteo asks, trying not to sound needy. It’s fine that David hardly texted him. Really, it is.

“Good. I visited my sister.”

Matteo’s smile drops slightly. How did he not know David had a sister? “Your sister?”

“Yeah, she lives about 2 hours away. I stay with her sometimes when I wanna get out of the city.”

“Oh,” Matteo says, storing this information in his David log. “Cool,” he adds.

“That wasn’t the best part of my weekend though,” David tells him teasingly, eyes glinting, and Matteo feels jittery again.

“It wasn’t?” Matteo can hear the hope in his voice and David must hear it too, because he smiles even wider.

“No,” David pauses and then grabs Matteo’s hand under the desk. Matteo jolts. “I kissed a boy I like on Thursday night,” David tells him conspiratorially, like it’s some huge revelation Matteo doesn’t know about.

Matteo wants to scream into his sleeve.

“No way,” Matteo swallows. “So did I.”

David pretends to be surprised. It’s the cutest thing Matteo’s ever seen.

They keep holding hands until class begins, David playing with his fingers.

Professor Schmidt is on Ancient Mesopotamian art when Matteo feels David hand slip into his again. This time there’s something in it. A note.

Matteo carefully unfolds it under the desk, trying not to be too obvious.

 _sorry to distract you_ , it reads, then an arrow. Matteo flips it over. _but you look nice today_.

Matteo blushes. He grabs his pen and uses his knee as a surface to write.

 _You look nicer_ , he writes back, right under David’s note, before he returns it to him.

He hears David breathe out a laugh and everything feels warm, warm, warm.

***

David comes over again on Monday night and they watch the movie he’d texted him about. He studies all of Matteo’s reactions closely then asks him what he thought when it ends. As predicted, Matteo liked it. He likes everything David likes. They eat popcorn and get kernels stuck in their teeth. Neither of them can stop laughing, like this is a sleepover on the first day of summer break, everything fresh with endless possibilities. David stays in Matteo’s room until the next day. They order take out and kiss and play video games. They talk and keep talking, and Matteo doesn’t feel exhausted by it.

Then, on Tuesday, they take the bus to class together.

***

He calls his Mom Tuesday night. They haven’t spoken in a while and something about being with David makes him want to connect more with everyone else too. He doesn’t know why.

“Hi Matteo.” She answers on the second ring. He hears her smile and realizes he misses her.

“Hi Mom.”

“How is your class sweetie?”

“Good,” He pauses. He can’t think about the class without thinking about David. “There’s this guy there.”

“Oh that’s wonderful,” she says, then backtracks. “Wait, is it what I’m thinking?”

Matteo can’t stop the grin. “Yeah.”

“So there’s this guy…” she trails off. She knows she can’t get Matteo to tell her anything he doesn’t want to. It has to be a choice.

Matteo sighs. “Yeah. I think we’re dating? I mean, I don’t know for sure.”

“You don’t know?”

“Well, we’ve been hanging out a lot,” then, because he’s getting that warm feeling, “I really like him a lot, Mom.”

“I’m sure he likes you too.” Matteo falls backwards on his bed as though the words had knocked him over. He realizes he believes her.

They keep talking about what he’s learning and her church choir. She catches him up on all the people he knew when he was a kid but hasn’t seen for years.

When they hang up, Matteo rolls over and think about David until he falls asleep.

***

Matteo wakes up on Wednesday feeling shitty for no apparent reason.

Colors aren’t as bright, dulled with a grey that seems to permeate his vision everywhere he looks. The sunlight in the window hurts his eyes so he shuts his blinds. He doesn’t want to change out of his sweatpants, and he spills cereal on his shirt and doesn’t bother to clean it off. The worst part is he feels like he’s slipping into something familiar, like being visited by an old friend that isn’t really a friend. He feels more comfortable with this than he did with the happiness. This feels safer.

Jonas tries to get him to come out and play basketball but he won’t go. He stays in his room all day, playing the same game on his computer over and over. He doesn’t feel much of anything, besides the fact that he wishes David were here.

But he doesn’t want David to see him like this because he thinks it might ruin everything. He’s not fun when he’s like this. He can barely smile or laugh and he doesn’t want to talk about anything. He doesn’t want to think about anything either, because it hurts. His thoughts are viciously cruel, like knives turned inward, knives specifically designed to cut the deepest wounds possible. David texts him a gif of two kittens cuddling and Matteo nearly cries.

He’s been high all day and he keeps going, lighting up joint after joint until he’s in a haze deep enough to feel completely numb.

***

On Thursday he drags himself to class. He doesn’t want to go at all, even though David will be there. Especially because David will be there. Because David will see it. David sees everything.

When he walks in, clothes wrinkled even though he’d tried to straighten them with his hands on the bus, David is already in his seat. Matteo’s not late but he almost is. Professor Schmidt is already setting up the powerpoint. David is looking over his notes and doesn’t see Matteo yet. He considers backing out of the classroom, going somewhere else. Maybe back to his room. But then David looks up.

His eyes brighten when he sees Matteo, then they dim. He looks like he feels sorry for Matteo, and Matteo can’t stand it. He can’t stand thinking about what he must look like to warrant a look like that. Can’t stand that David might pity him. When he sits down, David nudges his shoulder.

“Everything okay?”

Matteo doesn’t know the answer. What, exactly, is not okay? David might want an explanation that he can’t give. So he shrugs.

David’s looking at him like he’s full of shit. “You look tired,” he tells him, soft enough that Matteo almost doesn’t hear.

“I am,” Matteo answers, because it’s just a fact.

“That’s okay.”

David doesn’t say anything else, just sits silently beside Matteo until Professor Schmidt dims the lights.

***

He’s still feeling awful by Friday night, and he hasn’t left his room since Thursday when David walked him home after class and told him to call if he wanted to.

He runs out of food around noon and he’s starving by 9. He tries to ignore it, but his stomach hurts. He considers stealing food from Hans, since Mia would notice and Linn didn’t have much either, but Hans is already in the kitchen with a friend Matteo’s never met before. He manages to slip past them and out the door before they see.

He has to eat.

He walks through the city with his hood up, ignoring everything around him. It’s all so loud, laughter and glasses clinking. Friday night parties and dinner dates. He wishes he’d remembered his headphones.

At the grocery store, he picks a few things: chips, candy, pop tarts. Nothing healthy. He doesn’t care about health right now. The cashier is a middle-aged woman who gives him a wordless look of concern as she rings him up and Matteo hates it.

He takes a longer route home and eats the pop tarts while he walks because he doesn’t want to see Hans and his friend right now. They’ll want to talk to him, maybe invite him for a beer, and he doesn’t want to hear Hans’ say _why not_ when he tells them no.

So he walks. He walks and keeps walking, past restaurants and bars. A homeless man asks him for change and he digs in his pocket for whatever he has left. Everything feels muted, like Matteo’s drifting through time but not really there.

He’s about 8 blocks from the grocery store when he hears it. It’s so familiar that he’d hear it anywhere. He swings his head around to follow the sound. David’s laugh. It’s definitely him, sitting in a restaurant with the windows rolled up. Matteo thinks he looks nice, in a black jacket that hugs his body perfectly. His heart beats faster at the sight. _His David_ , he thinks wistfully despite himself.

Then he sees who he’s with.

Matteo feels nauseous, like he could throw up all over the pavement or faint.

He’s with Leonie.

They’re sitting at a table, just the two of them, a bottle of wine placed in the center. Everything around him seems to quickly drift out then in again, like chaotic waves during a storm. He almost can’t see straight. Why was he with Leonie? After they’d kissed, after he’d told him he was jealous of her. After David had shown him his sketchbook. After Matteo found the drawing of himself from the first time David saw him. It all suddenly feels like a lie, like Matteo had been living in alternate reality that had tricked him.

He turns around and drops the pop tart before he runs. It crumbles on the ground.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Anyways... more fluff next chapter ok?


	6. Chapter 6

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Matteo tries to end things with David, but David won't let him.

**Chapter 6**

Matteo doesn’t realize he’s been crying until he gets home.

Hans and his friend are in the living room now, and they look up as he enters.

“Matteo,” Hans says, setting down the beer he’d been holding and starting to get up. “What’s wrong?”

Matteo shoves past and Hans falls backward slightly, catching himself on the chair he was sitting in.

He has a headache from the tears he didn’t know were there, but when he gets to his room and looks in the mirror he sees how blotchy his face is. He barely recognizes himself. He looks pale, almost sick, and his hands are shaking.

 _David lied_ , he thinks to himself, then says it out loud in the mirror because he still can’t believe it.

“David lied.”

The words sound hollow at first, then they echo in Matteo’s head again and again until he feels like he might collapse.

His bed is where he goes first. He falls face first into the comforter, crawling up to his pillows until he can bury his head in them and pretend like he’s nothing. He stays there for several minutes and his tears keep soaking into the fabric and into his skin and mouth. He tastes salt.

And he smells David.

David is suddenly everywhere. It’s the shampoo he uses, the one Matteo would secretly breathe in when they’d hug and he would bury his face in David’s hair. He used to love that shampoo but now he hates it, because Leonie probably loves it too and it was supposed to be for him and him only. It’s cinnamon. Mysterious yet sweet. That was how he used to think of David.

He gets up, rips the pillow cases off each pillow until they’re all stripped bare, and throws them on the floor. He curls up without a blanket, and falls into a dreamless sleep.

***

He wakes up to his phone ringing.

His body hurts from the hard floor and his head still hurts from crying, and now his phone is ringing and his head hurts even more. He doesn’t open his eyes, feeling around blindly for his phone until he finds it about a foot away, thrown carelessly to the side.

David is calling because of course he is.

He has no idea what Matteo saw, the way it made him feel, like his insides had been stolen from him then sold on the black market. And it’s his own fault too. He’d offered up parts of himself he’d never given anyone else, pieces he kept locked inside and planned to never let go of. And now they’re gone. All because of this stupid boy with long eyelashes and eyes that smile.

He doesn’t answer. David calls again and Matteo presses the power button on his phone until the screen turns black and then he closes his eyes and keeps sleeping.

***

When he wakes up again, someone is knocking on his door. He jolts awake and immediately clutches his head. His headache is only getting worse. He should take some Tylenol but can’t find the energy.

He stumbles over to the door and opens it a crack before peering out. Hans is standing there with two cups of tea.

“Matteo, what happened?” he asks, and his forehead is creasing with such concern that Matteo can’t help but open the door more to let him in.

They sit on the edge of Matteo’s bed and he takes the tea but doesn’t say anything. Hans looks at the pillows on the floor then back at Matteo. He’s seen Matteo sad a lot, but not like this. Matteo doesn’t even want to think about how he must look right now, eyes puffy from crying and still wearing the same jeans from last night.

“Did something happen to you?” Hans tries again, reaching out to put his hand on Matteo’s knee then pulling back. Matteo swallows.

“Do you remember that guy? The one who came over?”

“David?” Hans says gently.

“Yeah,” Matteo looks at Hans then away. “I saw him with someone else last night.”

Hans clears his throat. “Are you sure?”

“Yeah, I was out getting some food and he was on a date with a girl.”

A girl who likes him. Another adoring admirer, just like Matteo. He feels like a fool.

“How do you know it was a date?”

Matteo stops to think. “There was a bottle of wine. And it was just them, no one else.”

Hans doesn’t say anything for a minute, just sips his tea thoughtfully.

“I don’t think you should make any assumptions until you talk to him,” is what he settles on.

Matteo doesn’t _want_ to talk to him though. He almost never wants to see him again, because he has the ability to do _this_. He can’t let this happen again. Not ever.

 _You were fine before this_ , he thinks to himself.

 _No you weren’t_ , a smaller voice says. _You were never fine._

When Hans leaves, Matteo goes back to the floor and hardly moves for the rest of the weekend.

***

On Monday, he makes the decision that he’ll go to class but not sit next to David. Then, when David asks why, he’ll end things.

He walks through campus with his headphones on, just like the first day. He feels like a phantom, like everyone is laughing and talking around him and he’s hanging over them like a dark cloud, bringing everything down.

He’s in the Art Building and almost to the classroom when someone grabs his arm and pulls him aside. His heart is beating fast and he feels the grip around him as he’s yanked into an empty hallway where the janitor’s closet is. He feels lips on his, a kiss that makes him want to melt into the wall.

He briefly lets himself have this, because it will be the last time. He kisses back for 2 seconds before shoving David off him.

David hits the wall across from Matteo and the sound echos. He looks startled. He looks like he’s been hit. He’s staring at Matteo and Matteo’s staring back. His tongue flicks over his bottom lip and he looks beautiful. He’s wearing that black jacket again, the one he was wearing when Matteo saw him with Leonie. Matteo feels his expression turn cold and then he feels the cold all over, right down to his toes. David sees it and his face crumbles slightly.

“I missed you,” he tries, reaching out to Matteo again. 

_No._

“I don’t want to do this anymore,” Matteo hears himself saying, and his voice sounds different even to his own ears.

David freezes then backs up again. He looks as though he might cry, and Matteo hates it. He hates that he made David look like that, but he also hates how confused he is, because why. Why does David have the right?

“Are you fucking kidding me?” David says after a minute, and Matteo shrugs.

“No, I’m not kidding. This was a mistake.”

He thinks he sounds unconvincing but David must not be able to tell, because he takes one more look at Matteo. Then he turns around and leaves.

***

David doesn’t go to class but Matteo sits in a different seat anyway, all the way across the room. He can barely hear the lecture over the rushing in his own ears, the memory of the way David had looked at him playing over and over again in his head. The art pulls him out of it here and there but then he slips back in, and everything hurts.

***

At the bus stop, he looks at his phone. He has a text from David.

 _Matteo_ , it begins, and fuck David for using his name because now he’s thinking of the way it sounds when David says it. He starts again.

_Matteo, I don’t know why you don’t want to see me anymore. I’ll leave you alone after this I promise. I just want you to know that being with you was the the best thing. If you change your mind I’ll be waiting. If not, I guess it’s just something I have to accept. I’m nowhere near that yet but I’ll try. Oh and, if you ever want to talk, I’m here._

Matteo’s crying again, tears falling on his phone screen and blurring the words. He almost calls David because he does want to talk to him. He always wants to talk to him, even when he doesn’t. But no, he can’t. He can’t because David is clearly playing some kind of game with him, a game he didn’t read the rule book for, and it’s not fair.

When he gets home, Linn is smoking on the couch and he sits down wordlessly beside her. She gently adjusts his shoulders so he’s laying with his head in her lap, then she plays with his hair until he falls asleep.

***

He goes to class on Tuesday and David is there.

When Matteo walks in, David's already looking at the door and he keeps looking. Time freezes like it always does, but Matteo looks away first and sits in the same chair as yesterday, all the way across the room. He lets himself study David for a moment, because now he isn’t looking at him at all. He’s pretending to be occupied with his notes, pen trailing the page even though his eyes aren’t following it as it travels.

He looks like he didn’t get an inch of sleep last night. And Matteo almost thinks maybe he’s been crying, because his eyes are a little red around the rims. His clothes look carelessly put on and it’s so unlike David, who always looks perfectly arranged and coifed. His second button is undone and his hair doesn’t look like it’s been brushed at all. Matteo realizes that he wants to hug him, even though David hurt him. David looks at him a few times throughout class while Professor Schmidt lectures about Medieval art. Matteo sees him out of the corner of his eye and he can hardly concentrate.

When class ends, David is the first one out, shoving his chair back and rushing towards the door so quickly that Matteo hardly believes he was there at all.

***

On Wednesday night, Matteo is drunk.

He’s drunker than he was at the graduation party last year when he and Jonas passed out on his bed at 3am after drinking vodka tonics for more than 4 hours straight. Everything is blurry.

Hans decided to throw a party for no reason, and Matteo doesn’t want to be in his room where everything smells like the boy who hurt him, so he’s here now. He’s sitting on the couch watching people dance through tilted vision, floating around the room while he sits completely still. He’s drunk enough that he thinks he could lose all common sense and text David, so he turns his phone off and hides it in the cushions.

Mia is bustling around and bringing out plates of food and he eats a few bites of a turkey slider before setting it down again. He has no appetite and he’s too drunk to eat anyway, so he keeps drinking (because logic). He keeps drinking and drinking until he can’t see straight at all. He leans back, closes his eyes and passes out.

***

He wakes up to David looking at him.

He’s still very drunk so he thinks he might be imagining it at first, but no. He smells cinnamon and it’s too real to be fake. David is definitely here. He still doesn’t look like himself. He looks like a shadow of the David Matteo met in class all those weeks ago. Now he has eyes that used to smile but don’t anymore.

He’s looking down at Matteo as though he’s been doing it for a long time, because when he sees Matteo’s eyes open he seems to snap out of another world he’d been in, a world where he could stare at someone freely without them knowing.

Matteo is still on the couch and there are still people everywhere. He wonders how long he’s been out for, the crowd moving around him like he’s a houseplant. He sits up and David opens his mouth as if to speak but then closes it again. He hands Matteo a cup of water and two Tylenols. Matteo takes them because he’s still drunk and another headache is starting to set in, his mouth dry like cotton. David waits for him to take a sip, then he speaks.

“Hi,” he says, and Matteo feels angry that he opened with something so nonchalant. Just a simple hi, as though he’d known David would be there, as though he’d had a chance to prepare.

“What,” he starts, then swallows, “are you doing here?”

“You weren’t answering the phone so I came over,” David shrugs then looks down and plays with a loose string on the bottom of his hoodie.

Matteo’s confused, because why would David be calling him? They’re not speaking anymore. Matteo had made that clear when he told David it all had been a mistake then treated him like a stranger.

Everything is too loud and Matteo can’t hear his thoughts, so he gets up and goes to his room. David follows and closes the door behind them.

“Why were you calling me?” Matteo asks, and his voice sounds so harsh that David visibly recoils. He looks hurt and who gave him the right?

“Because-” David starts, then reconsiders. “You know, the more I think about it the more I think you’re full of shit.”

Matteo almost laughs but actually it’s not funny at all.

“Oh fuck off,” Matteo tells him, slurring slightly, and David doesn’t look hurt anymore. Now he looks angry. Matteo continues because _fuck him_. “ _I’m_ full of shit? You’re the one who went on a date with someone else. After I thought -” he stops speaking.

David’s face shifts from angry to confused. “A date?” His forehead creases as though he’s just been given a math equation he’ll never be able to solve.

“Yes, and don’t try to deny it,” Matteo wants to poke his index finger into David’s chest accusingly but instead he keeps his hands in his lap, tightly clamped together.

“I’d try to deny it but I have literally no idea what you’re talking about.”

 _He’s such a good liar_ , Matteo thinks.

“With Leonie. Friday night. Bottle of wine,” he’s looking at David like it’s the most obvious thing in the world.

Then, David’s face changes again. He throws his head back and starts to laugh.

Matteo can’t stand this. What's so funny? He gets up and walks over to his balcony, yanking the door open before he steps outside. David follows. He’s not laughing anymore.

“Matteo,” David says gently, as though he's a wild animal that might startle and run, “I was not on a date with Leonie.”

Matteo doesn’t believe him. Who has a bottle of wine in a nice restaurant with a girl that obviously has a crush on them? 

“Yeah right,” he looks over at David. “I saw you.”

David’s just staring at him now, and Matteo doesn’t look away. It feels like a challenge, but David backs down first and shifts his focus to a tree in the distance.

“I was with Sara, Leonie and Vilde, another girl from their theater group you haven’t met. It was Sara's birthday and I promised her I'd go. Sara and Vilde went to the bathroom so I was alone with Leonie for like 10 minutes, probably less. That’s what you must have seen.”

Matteo still doesn’t believe him, because that was the kind of thing his Dad used to say to his Mom when he was cheating on her, and it still hurts.

“Please don’t lie to me,” Matteo says helplessly. “Please, just don’t.”

“I’m not lying!” David reaches in his pocket for his phone. “Look.”

He taps to pull up Sara’s Instagram, then scrolls. He holds it out for Matteo to see. It’s the four of them. Leonie, Sara, David and the girl Matteo doesn’t know. They’re sitting in the same restaurant, at the same table from Friday night. Matteo knows it’s the same because it’s been playing over and over in his head since then, as vivid as it was when he first saw it.

“I didn’t want to be alone with her,” David tells him, “but I was trying to be polite. I would never hurt you, Matteo.” He stops to look Matteo right in the eye. “I like you so much.”

Matteo feels the ghost of a smile on his face before it drops. 

And then, because he's still drunk: “You’re allowed to have friends,” Matteo starts, and he wants to kick himself for what he says next, “but I hated seeing you with her.”

Matteo can’t believe he’s acting like this. But David makes him lose his mind completely, every shred of self control gone until he’s left with this. Feeling like he has to hold onto David like a life vest or he’ll drift away forever.

A look passes over David’s face, and before Matteo can try to interpret what it means, he’s speaking again.

“Why do you hate it so much?” David sounds like he’s trying to coax something out of Matteo. "I mean, it's not like we're dating or anything." His eyes are glinting and he says it so teasingly that it all clicks into place.

And then, because there's nothing else to say: “Because I want us to be together." David's starting to smile now, but he doesn't respond. He seems to be waiting for something else, so Matteo clarifies. “Exclusively.”

David’s eyes are back, the ones Matteo knows, and he’s smiling The Smile that got Matteo into this mess in the first place. The world comes back in color, everything brighter than before. 

“Me too,” David seems like he can't get the words out fast enough. “I want that too.”

They stare at each other for a few moments, and then David kisses him.

***

Matteo wakes up in his bed around 5am.

His body feels like it’s been wound too tight, so he stretches out and startles slightly. There’s someone sleeping next to him. Then it all comes rushing back. It’s David. David is next to him because they’re together now. Exclusively together.

 _Boyfriends_ , he thinks dreamily.

He rolls over and pulls David towards him, and then he curls his body around him like a spoon. Because he can. David huffs a little in his sleep, and then he melts into Matteo’s arms.

***

It’s around 11 when he wakes up again. David is already awake, sitting at Matteo’s desk and drawing something in his sketchbook. He looks up when he hears Matteo shift in the sheets, and then he smiles.

“Good morning,” he says in a voice so tender it makes Matteo’s heart flutter.

“Morning.” Matteo’s smiling back because how can he not? David is in his room and he's his boyfriend now. 

“What are you drawing?”

David looks down at his sketchbook as though considering whether or not he should show Matteo. Then he holds it up for Matteo to see.

It’s a drawing of Matteo sleeping.

Matteo gets up to take a closer look, then he kisses David right on top of his perfect head.

“Thank you,” he says, though he doesn’t know why exactly. It’s just.. he never thought he would be the type of person anyone would want to draw, but now David’s done it 3 times. The first time he saw him, their first kiss, and now this.

“No, thank _you_ ,” David pulls him closer and kisses him. 

Matteo sits on David’s lap, curls his arms around his shoulders, and they keep kissing. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Told you I'd fix it. :) Thank you, thank you, THANK YOU for reading. <3


	7. Chapter 7

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Matteo opens up a little more.

**Chapter 7**

They bus to class together on Thursday afternoon. Matteo can’t believe he’s walking through campus holding hands with someone, let alone the most beautiful boy he's ever seen. And David is wearing one of his sweatshirts too, a baggy one he’d pulled from Matteo’s closet this morning. Matteo can’t stop staring. 

When he and David walk into class together, their hands drop at the door and David gives him a wink.

***

Afterwards, they go to a park and sit in the sun, watching the birds flit from tree to tree.

This time, it’s a place David’s never been. Matteo comes here sometimes to be alone, so he's never wanted to show anyone before. But David seems to like it, looking around in that gentle, observant way of his and picking up a few leaves to put in his bag. For what, Matteo isn’t exactly sure, but the leaves David picks up are all different shapes and colors and he handles them tenderly as he tucks them away.

It’s been about 20 minutes before Matteo realizes he forgot to bring a joint. The realization dawns on him slowly, because he thought for sure he had one in his pocket, but then he begins to search a bit more frantically. He’d been so preoccupied this morning that it didn’t even occur to him that he’d forgotten.

David watches him silently until Matteo gives up with a heavy sigh, leaning back into the bench and closing his eyes. He feels David’s hand reach for his, and he feels a little calmer. He holds onto David like he’s an anchor, keeping him from vanishing into thin air. 

He’s still feeling shitty despite everything, and he doesn’t know why. He should be happy. David is here, David is his boyfriend, David is _exclusively_ his boyfriend. Yet he still has that awful empty feeling, like he wants to crawl inside himself and hardly ever come out again.

And another thing, his behavior from last night is still clanking around in his head and he can’t believe he let himself act like that. Sure, he was drunk. And it didn’t end badly, because here David is, holding his hand on this bench in the sun. But still, he hears himself say it again and again: _You’re allowed to have friends but I hated seeing you with her._ He’s never sounded so possessive before, never had a reason. Usually he's so passive, letting things happen to him without much of a fight. But now there’s David, this boy who changed everything in such a short amount of time. This boy who unearthed parts of himself he didn't even know were there.

“Hey, I’m sorry about everything,” His voice sounds so timid that David squeezes his hand gently.

“What, exactly, are you sorry for?”

“Last night,” Matteo doesn’t look at David, instead keeping his eyes on a tree straight in front of him. “And everything else. I wasn’t that nice to you. I should have talked to you before jumping to conclusions.”

David seems to reflect on that, mulling over the words. He doesn’t say anything for a few moments, then he squeezes Matteo’s hand again.

“It’s okay, Matteo,” and Matteo nearly melts at the soft way David says his name. “It did hurt though.”

David’s voice slightly cracks saying the words. Suddenly Matteo remembers the way David looked in the classroom, second button undone and unbrushed hair. Red rimmed eyes listlessly staring at the page as he pretended to study his notes. He remembers the way he looked when Matteo shoved him off in the hallway and told him it was a mistake.

“I won’t do it again,” Matteo tells him, because he doesn’t know what else to say.

Then David’s looking at him. He can see it out of the corner of his eye, so he turns his head and looks back.

“But why did you?” David doesn’t look angry. Instead he looks like he’s trying to wrap his head around something he can’t quite grasp, despite trying desperately. And Matteo realizes he wants him to understand. He wants David to know everything about him, all the things he’s kept inside. Things he thought would stay there forever. Even though he might get hurt, he still wants David to know. He looks away again.

“My Dad left my Mom. He left her for another woman.”

Matteo can hear the birds around them, the sound of a kid laughing in the distance. It occurs to him that he’s never talked about this before, not with anyone. He swallows then keeps going.

“My Mom didn’t know at first, but as it turns out, he’d been cheating for a while. When she found out, my Dad left. He moved to Italy and has a new family now. I haven’t seen him for years.”

“I’m sorry to hear that,” and David sounds hurt too, as though it had happened to him instead.

“It’s okay,” Matteo tells him, “I just think… I think I never really dealt with it.”

They fall into a comfortable silence, holding hands until the sun starts to dip below the trees. Then they go home.

***

When Matteo wakes up on Friday morning, David’s not in bed. He feels a slight panic before remembering that David wouldn’t just leave, not without a drawing at least. And especially not after yesterday. Not after Matteo told him about his Dad. He feels around beneath his pillows and covers, just in case David left something behind.

Then the door to his bedroom opens, and David’s carrying a tray of food with a grin. There’s strawberries and bagels and eggs. A grapefruit sliced in half with little spoons on the side. It all looks so carefully arranged, as though David had been agonizing over the perfect placement of each dish. Matteo falls backwards onto his bed and dreamily looks up at David, because this is his boyfriend. His boyfriend who brings him breakfast in bed and smiles at him like he hung the stars. David carefully sets the tray down at the foot of the bed before leaning down for a kiss.

“Good morning baby,” David says, a little unsure, as though he’s testing the word out.

Matteo feels a flutter in his chest, like the floor had briefly dropped out from beneath him then came back.

“Good morning,” then he grabs David by the bottom of his shirt and pulls him in again.

They eat together on their stomachs, feet tangled in the air, feeding each other bites of food. Matteo can feel himself fall.

***

David leaves on Friday evening.

Matteo wants him to stay, but he says he has to go because he has an early doctors appointment on Saturday near his apartment. 

Then it occurs to Matteo that he's never actually been to David's apartment. David's always been to his. He wants to ask why, but doesn't want to sound needy. So he kisses him at the door and tells him to call whenever he wants. Then, just as he starts to close the door behind David, David pushes it open and kisses him again. 

But still, he wonders. He wonders what David's life is like when he's not with Matteo. He wonders about his sister. They must be close. And what _is_ his apartment like? Matteo imagines it must have art on the walls. Plants and baskets of fruit. Wide windows to let the light in. What is David's bed like? What color are the sheets? 

He shakes his head. He can't be thinking about David's bed right now. They've only kissed so far. And it's been great, really it has. It's been great and then some. But Matteo can still feel himself get a little heated when he feels David's tongue against his, when he feels David's hand on his hips, gently guiding him as they walk together. And who could blame him? David is David, the most beautiful boy Matteo's ever seen. And Matteo is only human, after all.

He hasn't tried anything else, but he wants to. And actually, what he really wants is for David to take control and-

His thoughts are interrupted by his phone ringing.

"Hi," David says as soon as he answers.

"Hi," Matteo can't keep the smile out of his voice. He already misses him.

"I miss you," David says, as though he read Matteo's thoughts. 

"I miss you too," and Matteo falls into his desk chair, cradling his phone close to his ear. 

 "I'm still walking home. Tell me a story?" 

And because Matteo can never say no to David, he does.  

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know it's short, but I just wanted to get this out there. Thanks (as always) for reading! <3


End file.
